Husbands: Your Love is Your Reward

Husbands, your reward for loving your wife well is not how she chooses to respond to you in return; on the contrary, your love for her is your reward!

God's word tells husbands to "love [their] wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Eph. 5:25). And here is the good news;

God gives husbands the grace they need, to love their wives as Christ loves his church. 

Therefore, it is in this exchange—God giving a husband grace the husband giving his wife love—that a husband will find his ultimate reward. If this reasoning seems circular, that's because it's intended to be. As John Piper says, "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in him."

If your hope (in loving your wife) centers on God's expectation of you instead of your expectation of your wife, you will find joy in loving your wife, regardless how she chooses to act towards you, in return. #GrowOn #LoveWell

Marriage is Primarily About Jesus

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. | Colossians 1:16-17 (ESV)

The Primary Purpose of Marriage.

Living Out God's Design (Matt & Lauren Chandler)

A Relevant Thought on Marriage From an Old Reformer

Here's a relevant thought on marriage from an old reformer:

"Join together in frequent and fervent prayer. Prayer forces the mind into sobriety, and moves the heart with the presence and majesty of God. Pray also for each other when you are in secret, that God may do that work which you most desire, upon each other's hearts." | Richard Baxter - The Mutual Duties of Husbands and Wives Towards Each Other

The Greatest Gift a Husband Can Give to His Wife on Valentines Day.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. | Eph. 5:25-28

OK gentlemen, Valentines Day is tomorrow. Are you ready? Now, before you answer...ponder this thought with me for a moment. While our culture leads us to think that this holiday of love is all about material things (i.e. flowers, chocolates, jewelry etc), I truly believe it would be in our best interest to consider something else. Even though this holiday doesn't belong solely to married Christians, I believe it's as good a time as any to be intentional in considering what marriage is truly all about.

Paul gives husbands quite a challenge in his letter to the Ephesian church: 

"Love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her..."

So here's a question, are our efforts to love our wives rooted in this challenge? How often do we approach "loving our wives" as an act of service? Paul challenges us to give ourselves up for her, but what does that really mean? Based on the context of this passage, namely Christ and the church, I believe Paul is challenging husbands to be intentional in their efforts to put aside their own desires for the sake of their wives. If you're still struggling to grasp this concept, let me try a more blunt approach to help make the connection for you; stop being selfish!
I hate to break it to you boys, but as a Christian your primary goal in marriage is not to have your needs met by your wife. Instead, it is an intentional effort to offer up your life (give yourself up) as a means by which your wife will grow in her holiness (sanctification) and her love for Jesus Christ. In his book, The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller says the following,

“Falling in love in a Christian way is to say,'I am excited about your future and I want to be part of getting you there. I'm signing up for the journey with you. Would you sign up for the journey to my true self with me? It's going to be hard but I want to get there.”

While the blessings of eternity will certainly begin to manifest themselves on earth, ultimately we are being readied for a future hope. That's right, earth is really nothing more than a training ground for eternity. As Christians, we are alien residents in this world. God is making his appeal to the world through us, but ultimately it's for a future hope and eternity with him forever! When we begin to look at life through this lens, we start to see that marriage is one vessel God created as a means of our purification, and based on the Paul's words above, Christian husbands are called to play a significant role in the spiritual well being of their wives.

I'm sure to many of you, I'm still speaking in intangible terms. While you might be getting glimpses of what I'm trying to say, you still don't understand what it means to you, specifically. So, because we are a bit more dense than our feminine counterparts, I'll try to speak in more practical terms. Take a moment to reflect on your life. Think about a typical week in the life of [insert your name here]. How much of your week is based on your own selfish agenda and priorities? Yes, you work...and that's a good thing...but how much time are you spending at the office? Is the amount of time you are spending there primarily about your wife and family, or is it primarily about fulfilling your own desires? God wired us men to work. He placed Adam in the garden "to work it and to keep it" (Gen. 2:15). But because of sin, men are drawn towards work not only because God has commanded them to do so, but also because in their work they find a sense of purpose and fulfillment. It's not wrong to take pleasure in our work and accomplishments, but like anything else, work can become an idol. So again, why are you working? Is it for God's glory (and your family's blessing) or your own?

Next question. How do you spend your time? God has given us everything to be used for our joy and his glory. However, we are also commanded to be faithful stewards of everything he has given to us. And what has he given to us again? Everything!

Stewardship can be summed up like this: using what God has loaned to us, for His Glory. Therefore, our gifts, our influence, our money, our knowledge, our health, our strength, our time, our senses, our reason, our intellect, our memory, our affections, our privileges as members of Christ’s Church, our advantages as possessors of the Bible – all, all are talents [1] and are on loan from the Lord, entrusted to us for a while to use in serving Him [2]. So, the way in which we spend our time matters to God.

Now before you get mad at me...I'm warning you that I'm about to step into an area that many of you will find annoying. I'm not going to make absolute statements here, but I will be throwing out some things that I'm hopeful you will seriously ponder.

You know that three hour football game you like to watch every Sunday...is that a faithful use of your time? You know that extracurricular activity you partake in (with the boys) at least once a week...is your wife being blessed and is God being glorified in this? Again, before you grab your torches, pitchforks, and pals...please understand that I'm not pointing fingers here. I'm simply trying to be faithful in asking sharpening questions. You alone know the answer to these questions and I'm simply encouraging you to be faithful in answering them for yourself. There are plenty of things like bowling leagues, softball leagues, sports packages on cable, and even Church activities that I was guilty of doing over the years, for myself. Of course none of these things were intrinsically bad, but for me they were sinful because I was using them for selfish gain and the rest of my family was paying the price. Only when I finally took the time to evaluate how I was choosing to use the time God had given me, did I start to realize how self-centered I was truly being.

Gentlemen, the list can go on and on. I won't bore you with a longer diatribe on this subject than I already have, but instead I choose to leave you with a challenge. Valentines Day is tomorrow and the temptation is there to let this holiday come and go without taking time to evaluate the job we're doing as Christian husbands. Before you mindlessly follow the long line of men into the local flower shop tomorrow, take a moment to evaluate your marriage. Are you really being a faithful and godly husband? Are your efforts as a husband rooted in an intentional choice to give yourself up for your wife, for her blessing and God's glory? Instead of buying your wife some chocolates that she probably doesn't want or spending money on flowers that will be dead in a few days...why not give your wife a gift that will last for eternity? Lay down your life for her as an act of true love and commitment. Lay down your selfish desires and choose to lead her by serving her needs instead of your own. Show her Jesus by loving her more than you love yourself. If you choose to do this, I promise you that you will bless her far more than anything else ever could. And the good news is that the blessings of this choice will last for eternity!

The primary goal of Christian marriage is not social status and stability, as it was in ancient cultures, nor is it primarily romantic and emotional happiness, as it is in our culture today. Paul points husbands to Jesus’s sacrificial love toward us, his “bride.” But Paul does not stop there; he goes on to speak of the goal of that sacrificial love for his bride. It is “to sanctify her” (verse 26) to “present her to himself” in radiant beauty and splendor (verse 27a), to bring her to be perfectly “holy and blameless” (verse 27c). He wants the new creation for us! He wants to remove all spiritual stains, flaws, sins, and blemishes, to make us “holy,” “glorious,” and “blameless.” | Timothy Keller

So I ask the question again. Valentines Day is tomorrow, are you ready?




1. J.C. Ryle
2. John MacArthur

The Joy of Marriage

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor. (Ephesians 5:25–27)

The reason there is so much misery in marriage is not that husbands and wives seek their own pleasure, but that they do not seek it in the pleasure of their spouses. The biblical mandate to husbands and wives is to seek your own joy in the joy of your spouse.

There is scarcely a more hedonistic passage in the Bible than the one on marriage in Ephesians 5:25–30. Husbands are told to love their wives the way Christ loved the church.

How did he love the church? “He gave himself up for her.” But why? “That he might sanctify and cleanse her.” But why did he want to do that? “That he might present the church to himself in splendor”!

Ah! There it is! “For the joy that was set before him [he] endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). What joy? The joy of marriage to his bride, the church.

Jesus does not want a dirty and unholy wife. Therefore, he was willing to die to “sanctify and cleanse” his betrothed so he could present to himself a wife “ in splendor.” He gained the desire of his heart by giving himself up for the good of his bride.

John Piper - Desiring God

10 Actions Kids Learn From Their Parent’s Marriage

Here are 10 actions that I know my kids have observed from us over the years:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Original Post: http://www.dougfields.com/posts/marriagemodeling/

Marriage Does Not Redeem Sin

"I know...why over 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce: because Christians act as though marriage redeems sin. Marriage does not redeem sin. Only Jesus himself can do that." | Rosaria Champagne Butterfield

She Desires to Be Fulfilled, Not Fixed.

"It's not my wife's issue that needs my attention, love and effort it's my wife who does. My wife doesn't need to be fixed...instead her longing for me to be invested into her life, to share in her burdens and to truly know her...needs to be fulfilled."

It's Not About the Nail from Jason Headley on Vimeo.

This video was sent to me today by a good friend. Of course men and women can both watch this video and find the humor in it, but something much deeper hit me today after watching the video and I'd like to share my thoughts with you.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our wife is to simply invest into her and truly know her. 

I have a lot left to learn in this area. I will typically try to look at facts, analyze them and seek a solution...that's my nature, but it's not always helpful. I grew up with three women in my house. I learned a lot in those years. I also have been married for thirteen years and one thing that I have learned for certain (albeit the hard way) over that period of time is that women don't always deal in black and white. Although this is strange to me...in reality this is wonderful news, because women have the ability to see things in ways that most men never would be able to without their perspective and insight. This is without question one of the ways that my wife has been designed by God to complement me. We are truly better, together.

After watching the video above I have a new goal for my week ahead...and hopefully in the weeks to follow. I want to be more intentional about simply listening to my wife and trying to know her on deeper levels than I have in a long, long time. I'm praying that in doing so she will see that I'm invested in her as a person and not simply trying to "fix her problems" and move on to the next task on the list. She isn't a task. Spending time with my wife isn't something that I do out of duty or obligation, but instead is something I do because I love her and it brings me a great deal of pleasure. Is this selfish of me? I don't think so. When we spend time listening to our wives and we give them the freedom to simply be themselves...I think we will show them the kind of love they desire and we will eventually fill their hearts with joy in the process. They will be blessed and we will be blessed as well. That, in essence, is the point of the relationship.

God doesn't love us because we are put together and have a good handle on all our problems. Instead, he loves us because he is invested into our lives and he cares deeply about us because we are his unique and beautiful creations. He loves us in spite of our imperfections and because of his patience, long suffering and grace...over time we willingly submit to his efforts to shape and mold us into the people he created and desires for us to be. He doesn't impatiently point out our failures so he can move on to his next project. He invests into us eternally, allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal to us where we need to grow. If we were to love our wives in this way, I can all but guarantee we would see a difference in them as well as their responses to us.

The only question left to ask ourselves, is this:

"Are we willing to invest into the life of our wife...in the way that Christ has invested into ours?"

Ephesians 5:25-27 (ESV)

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV) - (emphasis mine)

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

Love the woman in your life well, that by your efforts God may be glorified, your wife (or girlfriend) may be honored and you may be blessed.

For His Glory,

Jason

The New Purpose of Marriage

When we choose to ignore, change or distort what God has called good (Genesis 1:31), we must brace ourselves for the consequences that will inevitably come with such a decision. This issue didn't start with "gay marriage". It started in the garden when the woman chose to circumvent her husband's headship and the man allowed her to do so. It grew with the egalitarian and feminist movements in the culture and the church and now we see the continued consequences in so-called same-sex marriage.

Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. My gay marriage doesn't change anything about your straight marriage. We're not altering the definition of marriage; we're expanding it. These new rights don't take away yours. So don't try to deny them to us.

The startling rise in public approval for gay marriage depends on such simple appeals to intuition. Look at all these happy gay couples. Why not invite them to join the party and get married? It's not like straight couples have done such a good job of commending the institution. Besides, what consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedrooms is their business alone.

To our highly individualistic Western culture, only libertarian arguments make any sense, even to many Christians. Personally we might say homosexuality is a sin; but what right do we have to impose our values on anyone else? If they aren't harming anyone else, then who can deny their gay marriages equal protection under the law?

Such questions have put Christians and other religious and even secular moral conservatives on the defensive. So it's surprising that Liza Mundy in her new cover story for The Atlantic, "The Gay Guide to Wedded Bliss," would threaten to forfeit the tactical advantage of supposed neutrality. She argues that gay marriages tend to be happier and more intimate, so straights can learn from them. Mundy even acknowledges the critics may be correct after all that gay marriage will change marriage for everyone. All to the better, Mundy writes: "by providing a new model for how two people can live together equitably, same-sex marriage could help haul matrimony more fully into the 21st century."

What Changes?

What exactly does she mean by these changes for the better? She means most basically that gay marriages erode differences between the sexes. There are no gendered roles and responsibilities. Men who love caring for babies and doing the laundry should do what feels right. Women who don't like to cook should work late instead. She believes that when we unshackle marriage from traditional expectations, we'll make it more appealing to the growing number of young adults who forsake the institution altogether or delay it much later than previous generations. And same-sex couples are already making marriage cooler, she says, leading to "nuptial fever" and a rush to the altar.

Read the full article [HERE]

The Mystery of Marriage

Take the mystery of marriage. In Genesis 2:24, right after the account of how woman was created, Moses (the writer of Genesis) says, “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Now when the apostle Paul quotes this verse in Ephesians 5:31, he says, “This is a great mystery, and I say it refers to Christ and the church.” And, with that as his clue, he unfolds the meaning of marriage: it’s a symbol of Christ’s love for the church represented in the husband’s loving headship toward his wife; and it’s a symbol of the church's glad submission to Christ represented in the wife’s relation to her husband. | John Piper - Male and Female He Created Them in the Image of God

Why Marriage?

Marriage is a temporary institution for this age until the resurrection of the dead. The essence of its meaning and purpose is to represent Christ’s relation to the church. But when the reality comes, the representation as we know it will be laid aside. And there will be neither marriage nor giving in marriage in the age to come. And those who have been single and devoted to the Lord will sit down at the marriage supper of the Lamb as full fellow-heirs of the grace of life. And according to their devotion to the Lord and their sacrifices they will be rewarded with affections and relationships and joys beyond all imagination.

John Piper | Male and Female He Created Them in the Image of God

Looking Back....Looking Forward.

“Men, you'll never be a good groom to your wife unless you're first a good bride to Jesus.” | Timothy Keller 

It's been almost a year since I finished reading Tim Keller's book "The Meaning of Marriage" and I'm trying to see how well I've retained some of the great wisdom within it's pages. There were so many sharable things in this book and I highly recommend it to everyone...married or not. I probably went through 2-3 highlighters while reading the book, which speaks volumes if you know me. After reflecting on the book and the central theme that continued to stick out to me while reading it, here are some thoughts I'd like to share with you.

Question: What is the single greatest reason I know Christ really loves me?

Answer: For me it's Romans 5:8. I'm a sinful man.

Yes, that's right...the fact that I'm a sinner. Here's what I'm getting at. Even though Jesus knew me completely...my strengths and my flaws, he still committed himself to me wholly. This is exactly how love can truly be demonstrated. It's easy to love someone who is lovable isn't it? But when the stakes change..that's when the real opportunity comes for us to be a reflection of Christ. To be willing and able to love my wife through her most difficult, sinful, angry, bitter, and grief-stricken seasons...is my greatest aim and ambition if I'm striving to be a fitting echo of Christ's love for her. Think about it this way. In your relationship with Jesus, where you often times play the role of the angry, bitter, proud, sinful person, what is Christ's response to you? Exactly! So now comes the question...how does knowing this lead us to become better husbands for our wives?

Here's how it worked for me. Remembering that my marriage is without question the deepest relationship I'll ever have, apart from my relationship with God, has been a helpful. It has been the nudge that' I've needed to remain faithful and diligent in praying for my wife and her walk with the LORD. For far too long I simply took my wife's relationship with Jesus for granted. That is until one day I discovered that she was struggling with anger and resentment towards Him. Much to my own shame, I realized that I had unknowingly turned my back on my primary ministry field, without ever intending to do so. I began to understand that for my wife, much of her anger and bitterness towards God was based on emotion, but I also realized that I needed to invest as much time and energy (if not more) into her sanctification as I was willing to invest in the lives of my accountability partner, my small group members, my ministry team, the church, and the acquaintances with whom I talk about Jesus on a regular basis. The reality for me was simply, I was failing to be faithful in my most significant ministry and my wife was paying the consequences.

This may not be where you find yourself at all, and if that is the case...that is wonderful news. However, for me to see things in this was was also wonderful news. It was an eye opening revelation and reminder about being invested in and aware of my wife's spiritual condition.

I was at a church plant conference last April and one of the major themes I remember hearing from many of the speakers was this, your ministry will never flourish if your home isn't flourishing. What a convicting thought. Where are we investing our time and our effort? If our marriages are struggling, are we giving all should to restoring them? Are we spending our time and our energy wisely? I pray that God will give each of us the discernment we need, to know how we can and should be ministering to our wives and our children. And I pray that he will bless our faithfulness to our primary mission field.

“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” | Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Finding Happiness in Your Most Profound Relationship

For His Glory,

Jason